Category: #Confidence

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Mean girls…mean women. Didn’t they get the memo?

Yes, I’m charged up about this topic, because I’m tired of hearing about it, and even more exasperated by the fact the now “mean women” are persisting to behave in such an abhorrent manor. Especially towards women. What’s worse is that some men don’t even notice their behavior. Why don’t they? Because these women have mastered the art of behaving entirely differently around men…much nicer, and not that way towards many if not all of the women they interact with. Is this an accusation that is too harsh? Perhaps, but unfortunately in many instances it is a valid one.

I consider myself to be fortunate, as I’ve seen this behavior, but I haven’t had to contend with it regularly. You might wonder is this a generational “thing”? No, it’s not, as I have seen the “mean woman” behavior exhibited across multiple decades. Did I ever imagine this would persist? Well, I had hoped by the time I got to the decade I’m in that it might have either been resolved or been less problematic.

One thing I pride myself in is not being a hypocrite. I have never been a “mean girl”. Just the opposite, and I consider myself to serve as a role model for how to act nicely and well when I’m interacting with other women. A phrase that consistently pops into my mind is one I would routinely hear from my mom. She would say, “if you don’t have anything nice to say about someone, don’t say anything at all.” Another phrase she would regularly say is “think about complimenting someone before you criticize them.” During my life I have leveraged these two phrases consistently, and I have also passed them along to all the women in my life I have led and interacted with.

The question should be asked “why do women treat other women poorly?” Notably in the workforce or on a sports team? There are a variety of answers, and the first one I’ll tell you about why they do is out of a lack of confidence in themselves. They act in a negative way against other women to make themselves feel better, or more confident. Yes, this might seem counterintuitive, and it is. What’s worse is that it’s a temporary feeling, so it becomes a persistent behavior pattern. Self-serving, but not in a way that will solve the core issue relating to them understanding why their confidence level is low.

Another reason some women act in a disgraceful manner towards other women is because they feel threatened by them usurping attention from them. Attention coming mainly from men, but occasionally from other women too. When they are acting this way, they may or may not be aware of the fact other women are seeing through what they are attempting to achieve, and typically at another women’s expense. Meanwhile, most men are unaware of this happening, because they are only noticing the attention from the women being directed at them. Usually positive attention, so the men are not necessarily going to do anything to prevent this from happening. Even if they might slightly be aware this attention is negatively impacting another woman. In fact, the more attention that is lavished, and which results in a favorable outcome for the women, the more they will persist in this type of behavior. Namely because no one is shutting it down, and both parties appear to be getting what they want. However, at what expense?

Some women will act poorly to other women, and act well or favorably towards men because they think this is the way for them to fit in. Perhaps to also gain more control, leverage, or to increase their leadership standing. Again, this could temporarily present why these actions are occurring, but it’s not a long term or successful strategy. Why not? Because at some point, the mean women will have to sort out how to interact well with other women. Especially when they will get to a stage when their prior behavior strategies of playing in the grey areas (e.g., excessive flirting, trying to act like one of the guys) to garner attention won’t work favorably for them anymore.

Do I think that mean girls who graduate to being mean women notice or care about how they are behaving? I have mixed feelings about this. They are mixed because I do know if some of them know exactly how they are behaving, and why they are doing so. There are others who legitimately are doing so because of behavior they have seen modeled that was inappropriate, yet they thought it was the only or best course of action for them to get results. Of course, this is unfortunate, especially because they didn’t have strong women role models to show them how to appropriately interact with others and not at the expense of either gender.

If you are leader or sports coach, and if you know someone who would be classified as a “mean girl” or who has graduated onto being a “mean woman”, I can offer some advice on how to address these women. My advice stems from having turned many of their behaviors around and graduating them onto not being in their previously and unfortunate behavior club.

  • One of my favorite questions is asking someone “Why did you say that?” Have the person explain to you why they said what they said and continue to repeat this question until you obtain a satisfactory response. Perhaps even a warranted apology.
  • When you can do so privately, ask the person if they are aware of how they are coming across to other women? Tell them you have an example which demonstrated their behavior in a way you found to be curious, and that you didn’t understand why they behaved that way. You might be surprised by their response.
  • Ask them who their female role models are.
  • Ask them what characteristics they have favorably learned from their female role models.
  • Ask them what their opinion of “mean girls/woman” are? Again, you might be surprised to find out they are not aware of the fact they are one of them.
  • Ask them if they have ever encountered a “mean girl/woman”, and how did they handle the situation?
  • Ask them if they are in favor of helping other women, and modeling behavior which fosters building up the confidence and leadership qualities in other women? If they are open to doing so, be prepared to have a plan in place to act on this.
  • Ask them if they feel well supported by other women? In fact, they may not have had many positive interactions with other women, which has negatively contributed towards their negative interaction behavior.
  • Determine if the person is willing to be mentored, and whether they are aware that more positive interactions with other women will in fact serve them well as a long-term leadership strategy.

Having now written about this topic, I am hopeful it will serve as a catalyst for constructive conversations, increasing the awareness level for both women and men on this topic, and offer some actionable approaches to alter this type of behavior going forward. If you have other suggestions, please share them with me, as we are all in this conundrum together.

TAGS: #Leadership #Teams #Sportscoach #Awareness #Motivation #Teamdynamics #Management #Personaldevelopment #Professionaldevelopment #Strategy #Successtips #Leadershiptips #Women #Womensbehavior #Advice #Mentor #Meangirls #Meanwomen

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Successful leadership habits. Do you have them?

There could easily be a debate about what success means, and from a different perspective, how it is attained. Some will define success purely from a monetary lens, but as a concept, it is far more encompassing than this one dimension. Other areas that can be associated with success have nothing to do with a financial attainment level. One of these areas is an individual’s physical and mental health, and perhaps you have heard the expression “if you don’t have your health, nothing else matters.”

There are numerous categories which success can be measured, and they could be aligned with whether you have a successful family dynamic, what level of education you were able to attain, how much traveling you have had the opportunity to do, or how deep and extensive your personal or professional networks happen to be. Let’s also factor in whether you have you been able to master either a craft or develop an expertise in some area of your life. These are certainly not an exhaustive list of how one might define areas of success, but the real question we should be considering is the “how” did an individual attain the level they reached? A level which would collectively be considered successful by most potential measurements?

We know that certain individuals are more focused and determined than others. Perhaps more oriented towards a higher level of achievement than what would be classified as an average level of achievement for some. Are these people self-motivated, or have they learned to stretch and always go beyond the level others would find to be an acceptable level of achievement? Or, is something else at play and contributing to them being more successful in the area they are being classified as successful in?  

Taking time to pause and unpack what makes some people more driven than others isn’t something we often take time to break down. Perhaps we would do this if we found merit in doing so, or had a fascination in doing so. Possibly we would do this because of our own circumstances being such that we believe we haven’t reached our own potential yet. Maybe we have heard others tell us this, or we know intuitively that we really haven’t given the full effort it will take to reach or exceed our potential.

As someone who has extensive experience with observing and interacting with highly successful leaders and sports coaches, I can assure you there is absolutely a common thread amongst them. One of them may surprise you, but it has to do with communication, and having the ability to clearly articulate what they expect from their own outcomes, as well as those they lead. They also follow through with what they tell you they are going to do, and I’m talking about doing this in a timely manner. Procrastination doesn’t even seem to be a word or action involved in how they operate daily. I don’t know about you, but I find these traits, or what I will refer to as habits very refreshing and reassuring too. There is something to be said for being able to depend unconditionally on someone, and this is absolutely a foundational quality and habit of a successful individual.

Other habits of successful people include having unwavering integrity. The kind of integrity level you hear about that involves doing the right thing even when someone isn’t watching.  Although you may not agree with this, the sentiment that someone who has attained success in any capacity did so at the expense of not being a good person to others isn’t always true. However, you are more apt to hear about this type of person because their behavior was less than desirable, and potentially egregious. Let’s face it, we certainly don’t have an overabundance of news reports focused on what successful people are doing in favor of others, but unfortunately, we do hear plenty of examples of negative news reports on this.

I’m a firm believer that successful habits can be both innate, as well as learned. With this premise, below are some examples of what some other successful habits are. Possibly ones you will want to aspire to?

  • No one is ever right all the time. Take ownership for your mistakes. Apologize for them and move on.
  • Stop blaming everyone else for why you haven’t attained the level of success you are seeking. Yes, there may be circumstances beyond your control which prevented you from your attainment, but how about you pause and reconsider that you haven’t achieved them “yet”?
  • Successful people don’t waste their time complaining. Instead, they do something constructively, and likely strategically too to change or alter the outcome of their scenario.
  • Stop talking negatively about others. The old saying “if you don’t have something positive to say about someone, don’t say anything at all” still applies. If you find yourself speaking negatively about other people, consider why you are doing this? Would you want others to be doing the same thing in reverse?
  • Help someone out that could benefit from your support. Yes, it might be inconvenient to do so, but building up your “karma bank” never hurt anyone. You likely won’t even know about the majority of “good karma” examples that successful people are doing on a regular basis. What can you do today to start doing this yourself?
  • Are you tossing around “f-bombs” and other words which could easily be replaced with better expressive words? Or, have you considered how you sound to others when you are dropping words into your conversations that make you sound like your vocabulary is stuck in middle school? Foul language doesn’t sound intelligent, tough or attractive, and people at the highest levels of being successful will seldomly leverage foul language or do so casually. Elevate your bank of words by committing to dropping the foul language from every day or casual usage.  Doing so will automatically make you appear to sound more intelligent.
  • Stop interrupting others when they are speaking.
  • Listen with intent, and make the conversation interactive, versus it being a one way conversation or monologue.
  • Genuinely praise others and understand your praise as a leader has more weighted value, and can have a long lasting positive impact.
  • Be respectful of other people’s time and be on time. It’s rude if you are not and shows a complete disregard for the value of other people’s time. If you are not 10 minutes early, you are late.
  • Including others that might not be considered for inclusion, but that can offer tremendous new insights towards you or the team you are on is something you should begin to become comfortable with. At first you will likely resist attempting this, but consider this, the best leaders and most successful people are regularly giving others a chance, taking risks, and more often than not, rewarded for them. Yes, you can mitigate your risks, but the point is to at least take them, and get out of your comfort zone of doing the same thing, and with the same people you would have only included on your team in the past.

If some of the examples above are not being practiced by you or someone you know, and if you or they want to get to the next level of success, I hope you will at least commit to “test driving” some of them. Especially if you sincerely want to start embracing habits of successful people, leaders and sports coaches.

TAGS: #Leadership #Teams #Business #Leader #Success #Motivation #Successhabits #Successfulhabits #Successtips #Motivation #Sportscoach #Teams #Sportsteam #Awareness #Teamdynamics #Management

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Are you anticipating versus being reactive?

I’ll never forget the time when I was witnessing a medical scenario and I watched the medical team respond to a situation which they appeared to be anticipating what their next steps would need to be. This was clearly achieved from having years of experience with either the same variables, or very similar ones. Watching them perform with ease and complete coordination was impressive, and the scenario was literally a life-or-death situation, and yes, they saved the person’s life.

Most people are not in life of death situations, and I would always express and remind people of this when they began to exhibit signs of going into either a panic, or reactive mode. When someone is going into being reactive in a situation, there is an opportunity to respond differently. However, it will take having an awareness of a few different factors. One of the factors is time. If you can slow down your immediate reaction and pause to think about what your options are, this will help to set you up to have more than one reaction choice. The more you do this, will also train you to think more strategically, and ideally, to respond in a way which results in a better outcome.

The second factor is confidence. When we are not confident about our decisions or the experience we can apply, we tend to under value and perhaps dismiss what our gut instinct response should be. A response that is both based on a survival instinct, and depending on the scenario, a sprinkle of including previous experience which resulted in a favorable conclusion.  

Certainly, when we are early in our careers or working our way up to the highest level of being on a sports team, there is typically a pattern or track we would be expected to follow to proceed forward. Some people are gifted with talent or knowledge they have attained earlier than others, and which will serve to fast track them. However, even with their advantages, they will still encounter occurrences when they will be faced with whether they can anticipate versus being reactive. Perhaps not as often as others with less experience or talent, but they will occasionally be in this scenario, and this is perfectly acceptable.

Depending on your outlook and approach to handling situations, you may be the type of person that looks at things not going well purely as a hassle. Not as an opportunity to consider how you can learn from it. Or, potentially have it result in a better outcome had the situation not initially been going in a less ideal way. I believe outlook and attitude are closely linked, and if you tend to be the type of person that is less inclined to anticipate a positive outcome, in my experience, the outcome isn’t as desirable. Of course, you might be surprised when it is, but this isn’t the norm.

If you find yourself leading others who are more often in a reactive versus anticipatory state, below are some examples of how you can help them to start working towards handling situations much more fluidly, with ease and better outcomes. Both for themselves, and the others who will be positively impacted from this new way of responding to matters they need to handle.

  • This won’t apply to every situation but doing a post-mortem on a situation that didn’t have a positive outcome or could have been handled better is always a great method which incorporates both a teaching and non-accusatory management approach.
  • Not every scenario can be practiced, but there are plenty which can be. Make sure you are putting in enough time to practicing and determining a variety of options of how you could better anticipate versus being reactive in that scenario.
  • You hear people in highly charged situations asking people to remain calm. Although not all situations are highly charged, you can borrow from this method and be intentionally focused on first calming yourself down, and then allowing yourself and your mind to have greater clarity on deciding and being more anticipatory about the next steps.
  • Yes, there may be an ideal way of responding or anticipating a better outcome, but if you can also factor in applying common sense, the result will be more desirable.
  • Doing this isn’t easy but do your best to quickly assess and think about what you want the result of the situation you are reacting to will be.
  • How you react, and whether you are an anticipatory or a reactive person is something others notice. If this matters to you, by choosing which category you are in is the first step towards switching categories. Hint: Most leaders fall into the anticipatory category.

Eventually with experience people if they are intentional about wanting to be in the category of being more anticipatory versus a reactive person will get there, but this will take time and experience for you to get there. If you are intentional about having this be your focus, I am confident you will achieve this attainment.

TAGS: #Business #Leadership #Communication #Management #Leader #Sports #Sportscoach #Teams #Confidence #Businesstips

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Having choices and making decisions. 

I have always had a strong fascination with having conversations with others about the choices they have to make, and ultimately, the decision they make relating to their options. When I am involved with being part of this process, my intention is to guide, offer suggestions, but not to cajole the person towards a particular outcome. The exception to this is when they ask me, and truly want to know what decision path I would choose if I was in their situation. 

Being a trusted advisor, I have a role that puts me this “exception” scenario regularly. So, I have had to become comfortable with sharing my advice, but more importantly, providing in-depth details in terms of “why” and “how” I would go about this process. If I didn’t do this, I would be doing a disservice to the person I am advising, and this is independent of who they are. 

Although people ask for advice, we know it doesn’t always mean they will take it. Consider the expression “You can lead a horse to water if it is thirsty, but you can’t make it drink the water.” The same situation applies when advice is being given. It can be frustrating to the person giving advice when time after time their advice is dismissed, or bypassed, and the person they were advising ends up making either less than desirable choices, or has blatant and avoidable negative outcomes. 

Contrary to what seems obvious, sometimes people can benefit from these outcomes, providing the choices and decisions they are making are not going to be dangerous or permanently irreversible. In these scenarios, more often the person you are leading or interacting with is an experiential learner, so they need to find out and experience first-hand what the outcome of their decision will result in. 

Of course, some choices can be temporary, although we understand some may not be. Ideally, we are all better off when we have at least one or better yet, multiple choices. We usually do, but the challenge for some who are inexperienced, or perhaps stubborn, may be insistent that they know what is best for them. Yet, the outcome doesn’t result in what would have been best for them. 

When you are guiding and leading someone who appears to be asking for support, but your experience with them has resulted in them doing the opposite from what was discussed, you each have a choice to make. The choice is to let this person the next time they ask for guidance that they don’t appear to need your advice. You then calmly share with them that their “track record” or history of asking for your advice hasn’t been leveraged, and that time after time they determined that their choice and ultimately their decision should override your guidance. Since they appear to only be interested in hearing your advice, versus leveraging it, let the person know that you will not be offering advice to them. Or, not until you determine your advice will be objectively considered. Not blatantly and routinely dismissed. 

In the scenario of the person who continues to ask for advice, yet not take it, at some point they will come to a juncture of realizing why they were asking you for advice. Especially if they were not considering your advice. Or, the outcomes from their choices resulted in less than desirable results, and which impacted them negatively from a long-term perspective. Either personally or professionally. Often this individual’s pride or lack of “big picture” awareness and strategy is what lands them in this scenario. Yes, this can be very frustrating for both parties involved, but more so for the person experiencing the negative outcomes from their choices. 

If you are leading others who would benefit from your advice in terms of making better choices and decisions, yet they have determined they know better, there are other options for you to consider exploring. Here are some for you to think about. 

  • Letting someone fail can sometimes be the greatest “gift”, and for those that are “experiential learners”, this is often a productive technique to have them consider an alternative approach from you. 
  • When someone has asked you for advice, ask them upfront if they truly want your advice? You can also ask them if you are one of many people they are having conversations with relating to the topic you are discussing? Sometimes the person you are leading needs multiple options to choose from. Don’t take this personally, it might simply be the style that helps them to decide. 
  • During your conversation with the person you are advising, ask them to verbally walk you through how they perceive the choices they have will result in a favorable decision or outcome? 
  • Often people neglect to fully think through the full consequences relating to their options. When you play the role of guiding them to fully consider how their options can play out, they may realize that some are far superior to others. 
  • Despite the fact the person asking you for advice may assume you have experience relating to what they are asking you about, it is far better to let them know you do not have actual experience relating to what they are asking for you to advise them about. In this scenario, your advice is going to be based on an accumulation of other experience, and it may or may not be what they need to help them. In other words, it’s OK not to always have an answer, and you are more credible when you admit you don’t. 
  • If you know someone who could provide better guidance, ask the person you are leading or interacting with if it would be possible to consult with them first, and with the intent of circling back to them with more beneficial information. Of course, you would want to do this in strict confidence, and not breech the trust of the person you are advising.

Offering guidance and advice to others or teams (e.g., business and sports) is an honor. It should also be taken very seriously, and presented with great care and concern for the outcome of the person you are engaging with. When you take this approach, you will be doing both those you are advising an opportunity to benefit from your guidance, but ultimately to learn from it too.

TAGS: #Leadership #Sports #Sportscoaches #Business #Makingdecisions #Makingchoices #Teams #Teamdynamics #Leadershipdevelopment #Businessadvice #Awareness #Motivation #Professionaldevelopment #Purpose #Sales #Communication #Management

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Keep showing up. Even if it’s that last thing you want to do.

Without exception, I’m certain if you are reading this article now, you have experienced a time when you didn’t want to be where you were. Or, didn’t feel as if you could bring yourself to show up or that you couldn’t imagine one more day doing what you were going to do. This applies to both work and life scenarios, and both provide built-in opportunities to encourage you to hang in there. Sometimes for other people who are depending on you to do so.

We all have days, or sometimes longer periods of time when we are either re-evaluating our decisions or confused by them. Sometimes when we are in professional or personal scenarios that don’t appear to be in our favor, we question how did we end up here? You may not be able to pinpoint the time when your situation began to go in a different direction, as sometimes there is a subtle shift which makes it difficult to recognize. However, at some point you do realize that you are no longer where you want to be personally or professionally. This can either be cause for concern, or a wakeup call that you need to be doing something different.

Professionally I am always impressed by people who have what I’ll refer to as stamina. Stamina which seemingly allows them to remain in careers or on team’s which don’t outwardly appear to be working for them. Perhaps it is easier for others to see this, or potentially the person themselves is hitting the “ignore” button. Or, realistically, they may not feel as if they have a choice. Feeling like you don’t have a choice is a difficult place to be, and I’ve been there.

I remember the first time I wanted to quit a sports team I was on. My reasons for quitting had nothing to do with the other people on the team. I wanted to leave the team because I didn’t think I was able to significantly contribute to it based on my skills at that point in time. I was new to the sport, and it felt like everyone else was miles ahead of me.

On the day when I had made up my mind to leave the team, a funny thing happened. It was on this day that my coach approached me and told me he was really impressed with how hard I had been working to improve my skills on the field. For reference, the sport was soccer. I was shocked to hear him tell me this, as I internally was thinking I wasn’t progressing, and was dragging the team down. Hearing this changed my decision to remain on the team, and it made me work even harder so I could contribute and add more value to the team.

The lesson I learned from hearing just one dose of positive encouragement changed how I began looking at other choices I would later be confronting. Namely when I was working in corporate America. The industry I ventured into wasn’t my first choice to pursue, and I have often regretted having made the choice to remain in it for as long as I did. Although I was very skilled at what I did professionally, I always felt a bit like a fraud. Mainly due to the fact I felt like I had to outwardly appear as if I was passionate about the work I was doing, while in reality, I felt like my soul was slowly being chipped away at on a daily basis. When I finally reached a point when I could no longer tolerate this feeling, I made the decision not to quit, but to change the trajectory of where I was heading. It was one of the best decisions I have made in decades.

Making the decision to pivot and change the trajectory of where I was going to take my professional skills didn’t happen overnight. I also took the time to realize and appreciate that had I not endured decades of doing something well that I didn’t enjoy, there were aspects of what I did that I loved. What I realized I loved doing was developing people, and the team’s I was responsible for leading. Although developing others wasn’t always in the job description for my roles, being responsible for leading others was, and I took this very seriously.

As I began to transition into my new career, I was aware of the fact there were going to be people who didn’t agree with what I would be doing. Knowing this fueled my desire to succeed, and to demonstrate I could in fact also be successful going in a completely different direction. One that I felt was in much better alignment with my innate skills. Skills which I could finally leverage daily, and which allowed me to shine, and simultaneously help others to do too.

One unexpected yet hopeful outcome from my career transition, is I have found there is nothing better or more motivating than hearing from someone that they are happy I chose to pursue the type of work I am doing now. I’m also able to admit that I am finally proud of the work I have embraced pursuing.

Thinking back to the day I almost quit the soccer team I was on, but had my mind changed by a single comment from my coach, I realized the parallel comparison in that experience with the one I am professionally having now. The best part is I can authentically share with you that I am thrilled to show up to work every day, and that I am driven to become even more skilled and better at what I do. The best part for me personally in stating this, is that my top goal is in strong alignment with my top talent (e.g., Positivity). It’s because of this realized and applied alignment, that I have been able to focus and channel this talent towards having a widespread positive impact on others professionally. Yet, I couldn’t have imagined being able to do this just a decade ago.

If you are in a situation where you need some inspiration to keep pursuing what you are doing professionally, or potentially consider other options, below are some suggestions I have to offer.

  • Independent of what you have heard or think, you always have options. You might need support from a friend, mentor, or trusted advisor to help you to recognize what they are, so make sure you explore them.
  • There is no such thing as perfection. For those who are in constant pursuit of this, they will more often than not be disappointed themselves and by others until they realize that sometimes it is the imperfections in any given scenario that can make a job, team you are on an acceptable option for a short-term time period.
  • Often the most difficult challenges we will encounter are going to be the ones which will allow us to grow and progress towards the next level of where we want to be. Take time to gain perspective on which challenges you have encountered and grown from, and which ones you may be avoiding, or do not have access to experiencing yet, and which not having them, will prevent you from future growth.
  • Sure, everyone would love to have more stress-free days professionally or personally, but as the saying goes “we can’t appreciate the sunny days as much without the dreary and rainy days”. Experiencing less stress can generally be helpful, but at the same time, consider that a small amount of it can also fuel you to remain in pursuit and achievement of your goals.
  • There is another saying, “half the battle is just showing up.” Sometimes this is perfectly true, and often, the situation you are dreading going into, is much less dreadful than you make it out to be in your mind. Keep this in perspective.
  • If you find yourself in a professional situation or on a work or sports team that you don’t want to be on, please spare the others from your negative emotions and verbal statements about not wanting to be there. No one wants to hear this, and the more they do, the more it will have an adverse impact on both of you, those that you work with, lead, or interact with.

Some people appear to be more dramatic than others in terms of expressing their negative sentiments. Remember to leave the drama up to the professionals in the theatre profession, as this will serve everyone much better, and no one wants to be around a drama queen or king.

TAGS: #Leadership #Teams #Business #Sports #Sportscoach #Motivation #Communication #Teamdynamics #Management #Organizationalbehavior #Professionaldevelopment #Personaldevelopment #dontquit #Perseverance